Post by account_disabled on Sept 4, 2020 21:00:32 GMT 2
How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a guy, 24, predominantly straight but heteroflexible, I’d say—I’ve hooked up with guys but haven’t felt attracted to men lately. I’m married to a bisexual woman who’s 26 and who has been in (fairly) serious relationships with both men and women. My wife expresses desires to have a girlfriend, which I’m fine with for the most part. She says she’d be fine with me having a boyfriend but not a girlfriend, which is an issue for me because one, I’m not particularly into men anymore, and two, I think that’s a massive double standard. In my mind, having sex with someone else is having sex with someone else, regardless of gender identity.
For the record, I’m not a prude—I’m not completely uncomfortable with the idea of an open relationship (uneasy, but I think it could work if approached right)—and I DO like dick. I just don’t find masculine-presenting people very attractive at the moment, and I don’t see myself wanting to hook up with a guy any time soon. When I’ve expressed that, and that I’d probably rather hook up with someone who presents more feminine before I hooked up with a cis guy again (I have a trans woman or fem-presenting person in mind), my wife seems pretty thoroughly repulsed by it, and seems to reduce the idea that I like dick to me being into guys. Again, I had sex with maybe three or four guys in high school, and I’m not strictly excluding it, but I don’t particularly want to screw a guy at the moment.
Am I in the wrong for believing that a side piece is a side piece, regardless of their sexual organs? Am I a jerk for not wanting to concede and let her hook up with women if I can’t as well—even though I probably would concede?
—Open and Shut
Dear Open and Shut,
Sex is subjective. If you believe that a side piece is a side piece regardless of genitals or gender identity, and your wife is using a binary framework, you’re looking at a mismatch in how you see the world. It’s OK. These things happen. You’ll have to decide whether “fair” and the freedom to fornicate with women and femmes are more important to you than your wife’s wishes. You’ll have to decide what you’re willing to bend on, and what you refuse to compromise. Is your wife perhaps afraid that another woman could be a replacement, and operating under the delusion that a man never could? Untangling that might help her be more relaxed about who you might hook up with. Talk it through carefully—it’s important that you enter into an open marriage on solid ground, without grievances about the rules.
That said, I’m seeing a red flag in what you describe as your wife’s “repulsion” at the idea of you hooking up with trans women or femme-presenting people. Now, there’s the possibility that she’s twitchy because woman, but there’s also the possibility that she’s got some TERF or other transphobic rhetoric bouncing around in her brain. Dig into that. Ask her what bothers her about the idea of you hooking up with a trans woman, or a femme-presenting person. Talk about gender. See if you can open her mind to the plurality of gender presentations.
Whatever happens, watch your words too. Have you ever hooked up with a trans woman? In case you haven’t, “dick” frequently doesn’t feel like the most appropriate word for pre- or non-op genitalia. If you do pursue trans or nonbinary partners, follow their lead on that.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a guy, 24, predominantly straight but heteroflexible, I’d say—I’ve hooked up with guys but haven’t felt attracted to men lately. I’m married to a bisexual woman who’s 26 and who has been in (fairly) serious relationships with both men and women. My wife expresses desires to have a girlfriend, which I’m fine with for the most part. She says she’d be fine with me having a boyfriend but not a girlfriend, which is an issue for me because one, I’m not particularly into men anymore, and two, I think that’s a massive double standard. In my mind, having sex with someone else is having sex with someone else, regardless of gender identity.
For the record, I’m not a prude—I’m not completely uncomfortable with the idea of an open relationship (uneasy, but I think it could work if approached right)—and I DO like dick. I just don’t find masculine-presenting people very attractive at the moment, and I don’t see myself wanting to hook up with a guy any time soon. When I’ve expressed that, and that I’d probably rather hook up with someone who presents more feminine before I hooked up with a cis guy again (I have a trans woman or fem-presenting person in mind), my wife seems pretty thoroughly repulsed by it, and seems to reduce the idea that I like dick to me being into guys. Again, I had sex with maybe three or four guys in high school, and I’m not strictly excluding it, but I don’t particularly want to screw a guy at the moment.
Am I in the wrong for believing that a side piece is a side piece, regardless of their sexual organs? Am I a jerk for not wanting to concede and let her hook up with women if I can’t as well—even though I probably would concede?
—Open and Shut
Dear Open and Shut,
Sex is subjective. If you believe that a side piece is a side piece regardless of genitals or gender identity, and your wife is using a binary framework, you’re looking at a mismatch in how you see the world. It’s OK. These things happen. You’ll have to decide whether “fair” and the freedom to fornicate with women and femmes are more important to you than your wife’s wishes. You’ll have to decide what you’re willing to bend on, and what you refuse to compromise. Is your wife perhaps afraid that another woman could be a replacement, and operating under the delusion that a man never could? Untangling that might help her be more relaxed about who you might hook up with. Talk it through carefully—it’s important that you enter into an open marriage on solid ground, without grievances about the rules.
That said, I’m seeing a red flag in what you describe as your wife’s “repulsion” at the idea of you hooking up with trans women or femme-presenting people. Now, there’s the possibility that she’s twitchy because woman, but there’s also the possibility that she’s got some TERF or other transphobic rhetoric bouncing around in her brain. Dig into that. Ask her what bothers her about the idea of you hooking up with a trans woman, or a femme-presenting person. Talk about gender. See if you can open her mind to the plurality of gender presentations.
Whatever happens, watch your words too. Have you ever hooked up with a trans woman? In case you haven’t, “dick” frequently doesn’t feel like the most appropriate word for pre- or non-op genitalia. If you do pursue trans or nonbinary partners, follow their lead on that.