Post by account_disabled on Jul 2, 2020 23:29:19 GMT 2
The search for love is one of the most important activities we engage in. Nothing expresses our humanity more than the need for deep connection. And few things matter more to our health and happiness—even our sense of self—than our choice of life partner.
Yet so often the search itself is a bruising experience. What should be a trial-and-error process in which we learn as much about ourselves as we do about another person becomes an ordeal. Why is that?
Almost everything we’ve learned about dating is wrong, contends psychotherapist Ken Page, author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. “Dating is an inner game,” he says, but instead of searching from the inside out, we’ve been taught to approach it from the outside in, to accommodate ourselves to the mating market by making ourselves into something we’re not. No wonder so many people are yearning for “authenticity.”
I recently sat down with Page to discuss dating in the 21st century.
Ken Page
Source: Ken Page
HEM: What do you mean by inner dating?
KP: The inner game of dating is an inside-out approach. It recognizes that the fire of real intimacy starts from authenticity, not from fixing yourself from the outside in. The outside-in approach is misleading and damaging although it is recommended by most dating advice, which asks people to make themselves more attractive.
HEM: Right, how do you accommodate yourself to what the possibilities are out there—and turn yourself into something you may not be.
KP: Make yourself more “desirable.” The hidden message is “make yourself a more attractive you.” That may sound like it’s advocating self-improvement, but it’s really self-criticism in a sexy outfit.
HEM: Don’t we have to navigate a course through life based on feedback from the world we’re in?
KP: Absolutely. But if your first question is, What’s wrong with me now and how can I fix myself? you will cripple all future interactions. The first question should be, What do I feel? What do I experience? What is authentic for me? And then there is a back-and-forth process.
HEM: Not just What is authentic for me? but also What will help me grow, be the self that I am hopefully moving towards?
KP: Yes. There is a self-liking in that. It changes the direction your dating life goes in. There’s nothing wrong with self-improvement, but if you start from How do I fix what’s wrong with me? you create a cycle of insecurity-based behaviors, which always leads to bad things.
HEM: There is always a tug-of-war with life, not just in the dating realm but in every domain. Do I lead with my strengths or do I devote my time to remedying my weaknesses? I think people get much further by taking the résumé approach: On your résumé you don’t write I’m a jerk or I was fired from my last job. You summarize your strengths and lead with them.
Yet so often the search itself is a bruising experience. What should be a trial-and-error process in which we learn as much about ourselves as we do about another person becomes an ordeal. Why is that?
Almost everything we’ve learned about dating is wrong, contends psychotherapist Ken Page, author of Deeper Dating: How to Drop the Games of Seduction and Discover the Power of Intimacy. “Dating is an inner game,” he says, but instead of searching from the inside out, we’ve been taught to approach it from the outside in, to accommodate ourselves to the mating market by making ourselves into something we’re not. No wonder so many people are yearning for “authenticity.”
I recently sat down with Page to discuss dating in the 21st century.
Ken Page
Source: Ken Page
HEM: What do you mean by inner dating?
KP: The inner game of dating is an inside-out approach. It recognizes that the fire of real intimacy starts from authenticity, not from fixing yourself from the outside in. The outside-in approach is misleading and damaging although it is recommended by most dating advice, which asks people to make themselves more attractive.
HEM: Right, how do you accommodate yourself to what the possibilities are out there—and turn yourself into something you may not be.
KP: Make yourself more “desirable.” The hidden message is “make yourself a more attractive you.” That may sound like it’s advocating self-improvement, but it’s really self-criticism in a sexy outfit.
HEM: Don’t we have to navigate a course through life based on feedback from the world we’re in?
KP: Absolutely. But if your first question is, What’s wrong with me now and how can I fix myself? you will cripple all future interactions. The first question should be, What do I feel? What do I experience? What is authentic for me? And then there is a back-and-forth process.
HEM: Not just What is authentic for me? but also What will help me grow, be the self that I am hopefully moving towards?
KP: Yes. There is a self-liking in that. It changes the direction your dating life goes in. There’s nothing wrong with self-improvement, but if you start from How do I fix what’s wrong with me? you create a cycle of insecurity-based behaviors, which always leads to bad things.
HEM: There is always a tug-of-war with life, not just in the dating realm but in every domain. Do I lead with my strengths or do I devote my time to remedying my weaknesses? I think people get much further by taking the résumé approach: On your résumé you don’t write I’m a jerk or I was fired from my last job. You summarize your strengths and lead with them.